I have been on a really interesting journey with God the last few months, in fact probably a year. Learning what true forgiveness is, looks like and feels like. It has been really difficult and quiet painful at times, also really cool in an odd way. I felt really distant from God for a while after I had Violet. Even though having a baby showed me and taught me a love that I would never had known, and showed me how much God truly loves us, and what it means to love another being without them having to give you anything back, I didn't have time to be quiet with Him, to talk to Him. I felt like I could balance a new baby and have time with God. And for a long time I felt God’s grace in it, I felt like Him as a Father understood, and was giving me time and grace to figure out motherhood. But then I got lazy and relied too heavily on that grace and just didn't spend time with God at all, and didn't try to even. And after a while God was slowly tugging on my heart and my mind to get back to Him. And instead of heeding His warnings I went the other way. I started to remember and focus on a hurt that I told people, God and myself I was over. I started to feed on other's people hurt and anger towards this same issue, and it grew to a huge bursting point… where I finally realized I was not over it, I hadn't forgiven these people nor was I willing to forgive.
Now I really have never been a vengeful person, and I feel like I have been able to easily forgive in the past, I easily trust and I do not hold grudges. I do however feel wrong strongly, whether its me who has been wronged or other people who have been wronged. Injustice, even in the small things I just hate, I feel that very strongly and can get really passionate about... And I think with this whole issue, it was that other people who were getting hurt in the same way that really got my blood boiling, and brought all my past hurts.
Anyway, after this big bubble of anger got out of control, I finally starting listening to God again. And I did not like what I heard or saw.
What I have learned about forgiveness is that is it all about me... not in a narcissist way but in a bottom of the barrel way. No matter what the hurt was, it is down to me to forgive, it is my choice to say those words, and feel it and believe it and make it true. Because no matter what the party in the 'wrong' says or does its all about MY choice. And God led me to that by showing me Jesus (funny how God brought me all the way back to looking and focusing on Jesus). When Jesus was on the cross, He did not require us to say sorry first, in fact He forgave ALL of our sins, everyone's sin past and present and future right there on that cross without any sorry being said. And even those people who do not say sorry or ask for forgiveness to Jesus, their sins are still forgiven, they just don’t' know it. He did it, not because we asked for it but because it needed to be done to bring us closer to God. It was necessary to move humanity closer to heaven, to bring God closer to His people. The same goes for me, I can't get any closer to God without forgiving, no matter if the wrong party has said sorry.
This point: forgiving even though no one has apologised is something that has been really hard for me to grasp, believe or accept. Firstly because we are such an entitlement generation... we demand respect without giving it or earning it, in fact we never should earn anything, its just ours to grab, we get everything handed to us, and if its not given to us well that’s not okay and it has to be noted, said out loud, even shouted about until we get what we want. And the same goes for forgiving someone, 'Well they didn't say sorry, why should I forgive him or her?' Well because Jesus told us we had to, He told us to forgive 70 times 7.. A million times, to be generous with our forgiveness. He is with us.
Anyway, after this big bubble of anger got out of control, I finally starting listening to God again. And I did not like what I heard or saw.
What I have learned about forgiveness is that is it all about me... not in a narcissist way but in a bottom of the barrel way. No matter what the hurt was, it is down to me to forgive, it is my choice to say those words, and feel it and believe it and make it true. Because no matter what the party in the 'wrong' says or does its all about MY choice. And God led me to that by showing me Jesus (funny how God brought me all the way back to looking and focusing on Jesus). When Jesus was on the cross, He did not require us to say sorry first, in fact He forgave ALL of our sins, everyone's sin past and present and future right there on that cross without any sorry being said. And even those people who do not say sorry or ask for forgiveness to Jesus, their sins are still forgiven, they just don’t' know it. He did it, not because we asked for it but because it needed to be done to bring us closer to God. It was necessary to move humanity closer to heaven, to bring God closer to His people. The same goes for me, I can't get any closer to God without forgiving, no matter if the wrong party has said sorry.
This point: forgiving even though no one has apologised is something that has been really hard for me to grasp, believe or accept. Firstly because we are such an entitlement generation... we demand respect without giving it or earning it, in fact we never should earn anything, its just ours to grab, we get everything handed to us, and if its not given to us well that’s not okay and it has to be noted, said out loud, even shouted about until we get what we want. And the same goes for forgiving someone, 'Well they didn't say sorry, why should I forgive him or her?' Well because Jesus told us we had to, He told us to forgive 70 times 7.. A million times, to be generous with our forgiveness. He is with us.
The other reason why I couldn't accept forgiving someone with out them saying sorry is the idea of vindication. I didn’t’ get to yell at them, and give them a piece of my mind and afterward they didn’t gravel at my feet and me pardoning them. Well again, vengeance in the Lord's not ours. Not that I am saying God will strike these people down, that is none of my business how God is dealing with their sins, its NOT my business. My business is my heart, my letting go, and my journey with God.
You may be asking yourself what happened or what I am talking about. But it doesn’t really matter because most likely what has happened to me has happened to many, many people before in different ways by many different people and will happen again. Its nothing new and it was just a big hurt caused, but that doesn’t matter, it happened but its over. Now it’s the journey of forgiveness that has happened and can be learned from. Because you can’t really learn from a hurt but your reaction or response to the hurt.
I still feel anger sometimes that they got away with it... but really who knows if that is true, who knows what they are really going through? And I am not really supposed to know. I just know that they are free of this burden, that I do not hold this against them anymore. Or when I do, I remind myself I am done with it that I no longer hold on to this issue.
That is what Jesus did for us on the cross, he gave us freedom. Freedom from our sins, without us asking Him to He did.
I still feel anger sometimes that they got away with it... but really who knows if that is true, who knows what they are really going through? And I am not really supposed to know. I just know that they are free of this burden, that I do not hold this against them anymore. Or when I do, I remind myself I am done with it that I no longer hold on to this issue.
That is what Jesus did for us on the cross, he gave us freedom. Freedom from our sins, without us asking Him to He did.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matt 18:21-22
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Colossians 3:13-14
(LOVE) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:5
Colossians 3:13-14
(LOVE) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:5
